What’s a “pleasure dom” or “soft dom”? [NSFW]

Nothing quite gets my attention like finding a “pleasure dom” or the ever-elusive “soft dom.”

I’m a gay dom bottom, which means that being with a dom top can be like mixing oil and water if he’s fixated on holding all of the control and power. It’s the pleasure dom and soft dom that differentiates themselves as a different class of tops because they lead with intuition, not just authority. 

One guy I hooked up with in Las Vegas said to me, “I didn’t tell you to take your socks off.” Seriously? That’s the kind of dom top where it’s gone too far. What I hear underneath the command is something deeply familiar. It’s patriarchy, repackaged in a jockstrap. 

I can surrender, sure, but it’s not about being steamrolled or objectified. For me, it’s about trust and energy, about someone holding the space so I can actually let go. If the guy across from me is locked behind his own chest plate, fixated on maintaining control so he never has to be vulnerable…well, that’s not a turn-on. That’s a wall. 

When a dom top comes in heavy, dictating every move, but disappears emotionally as soon as I show any need for comfort or closeness, I know exactly what’s happening: he’s not dominating me. He’s hiding. 

So to answer my own question, “Do I like the energy of a pleasure dom or soft dom?” I have to give a resounding yes.

To me, the pleasure dom and soft dom label has meant something along the lines of, “I might take the lead, but I promise you’re not just an accessory.” 

I get the feeling that even the dom tops are tired of intense dom top energy. What’s with that?

Before the hate mail starts rolling in, I want to add that I don’t think that all dom tops are problematic. I know there are plenty out there who actually care, who know that real dominance is about mutual satisfaction, not just getting their own way.

My biggest issue is when it starts to feel like dom tops are playing into a role that’s been set for them. They’re upholding an easy narrative about what it means to be a man: “Dom top. No drama. Masc4Masc. I know what I’m doing. Don’t waste my time.” Which, let’s be honest, is exactly what the patriarchy wants to hear. It’s the same story of power that straight men have been pushing forever.

To me, queerness means pushing back against heteronormativity and the traditional scripts handed down by the patriarchy. Let’s keep it that way. Sex between two men isn’t automatically a liberation from patriarchy. Sometimes it’s inflected by it.

So if you’re reading this as a dom top, take a real look at what you’re bringing to bed. Are you leading from a place of strength and care, or from a need to stay distant? Are you letting queerness crack you open, or are you armoring up against it? 

Because speaking as someone who knows what it’s like to show up and live in the space of submission and control at the same time, the best sex, the best power, lives in the middle, where control bends to connection and nobody has to hide.